I am, That I am

When you look at that picture what do you see? If you follow this blog at all you may be familiar with that girl. If you just so happened to stumble across my little corner of the world at random today then hello! That image you see above is me… R!LEY COUTURE or as very few know me anymore Raquel Segarra.

The reason I ask you what you see when you look at that picture whether you are familiar with me or not, is because I have been questioning what others see in me quite often lately.  For me that image is deceiving. It covers hurt, anxiety and fear. I suppose in times of turmoil its a natural reaction for me to look inward and criticize. Mind you I was not always this way. Once upon a time I was so very sure that I was such a master of my own universe that the idea of seeing past the end of my own nose was as foreign as the idea of unicorns existing among us. I was confident, arrogant and self serving.  Now before you decide to click away from this post thinking its nothing more than a pity party just bare with me. A point is coming I promise.

In the image you see above the makeup is abundant, the eyelashes are false, and the hair is my go-to clip in weave. Does this make me fake? Or is this just a better representation of what I want my image to be? Be the best self you can be is what all self help gurus tell us right? Looking  even further that girl looks joyous, excited and put together. It is not to say that I am never those things but that picture was taken meres month ago and in this moment I can say that I honestly don’t feel that way. Enter the struggle between all  that is my public persona and my personal life. But one thing I have always enjoyed about the cross pollination between the two is my ability to be open and share to the point of TMI. Someone described me the other day as having a wall. This bothered me to my core. Me, the girl that believes in fairy tales and nine times out of ten over shares has a WALL?

Again…. a noteworthy point is coming.

This season of life has presented me with a set of challenges that I have not yet experienced to this level.  Plainly put my health has not been good. I am scared and have no answers as of yet. I have been trying to put on a brave face and hide it as much as I can from those that solely know my public persona. Its my job to entertain and that has always been my joy. When I am behind a microphone your smile is my sole purpose. Changing your day in a positive way is the goal.

Who am I without that?

But now my brave front seems to be seeping into my real life presenting itself as a wall. Even as I type this I think why is it so hard for me to openly admit that here? That I am human and I may possibly be sick? Here, in this place where I have shared everything. My heartbreaks and my triumphs. My highest and lowest moments. I suppose its because its beyond my control.

Or is it?

Self help gurus also often say that attitude is everything. More than that my faith tells me that all things are possible with God. Told ya I had a point…

Here it is.

I was talking to my sister about this yesterday and after a hour long inspirational conversation she sent me this…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKwo-D9UpWA&w=560&h=315]

Oh how I lover her!

If you looked at the length of the video at decided to not watch it all the way through don’t feel bad. Even though my sister sent it to me as a beacon of hope I did the same thing at first. But today, I decided after a day of worry that I would commit to watching it and receiving its message.

I am, that I am…..