Limits…

Today I was explaining to someone my journey over the past year and their response made me stop and realize just what a landslide it’s been for me. After telling them the ups and downs of coming into motherhood, gaining and losing those I thought dear to me, career triumphs and setbacks. All the while still merely trying to keep my head above water, their response was commending and filled with sympathy.

Now trust me I’m not dressing up for any pity parties but their response stopped me and made me reflect on the past year, what I’ve learned about my limits. I often come off as a hard ass. I mean shit I am a hard ass but I’m equal parts stone and mush. I always say that once your in my heart your there forever. AND EVER. No matter what you put me through I cannot hate you once I’ve loved you. That goes for family, friends and lovers alike. Its a flaw of mine as much as it is an attribute.

I need to limit how much I give of myself to those that are undeserving.

One of my best friends says to me all the time “Don’t let people take up space in your head and thoughts if they don’t deserve to be there.” I always over analyze situations and have the need to ask the questions that in the long run I really don’t want the answers to. I want to fix the problems that are unfix-able. I want to always believe there’s a way when sometimes there simply just isn’t. I swear I’ve spent years of my life rehashing things and trying to figure out what fork in the road caused things to go sour. Sometimes shit just is what it is. Beyond anyone’s control.

I need to limit how much energy I invest in trying to repair what is inevitably broken.

As hard as this past year had been, being pushed to my ultimate breaking point by the hands of the ones that I once stood side by side with… I am forever grateful for it. No matter where life has brought us now I am proud of the woman that I see in the mirror. As much as I am hurt and at a loss for words at what life has brought us today, I know I wouldn’t have reached certain peaks in my potential if not for some of the pain. Thank you for pushing me…thank you for breaking me. I have a motivation now that I would not have had before. I have to prove to myself and no one else that I wasn’t what you thought of me. And when the thought of you fades from my mind I’ll still have that drive.

I need to limit how much I concentrate on the acceptance of others and focus of accepting myself.

Reflecting on the past year, I mean hell just the last few months, I am slapped in the face with all of my weaknesses. But in the same token all of my strengths. As much joy as I have in my life I’ve spent a good portion of this past year with tear stained cheeks thanks to people that don’t give me or my well being a second thought. No mas my friends. NO MAS.

I need to limit the sad tears spent on the meaningless and cry the happy tears on the joyous. 

The last few years have taken me in directions I could never have hoped for, imagined or even wanted in some regards. But I think that is the reasoning for the biggest lesson in limits that I’ve come to….

I need to limit the toxic things that I tend to hold onto and  let go…..just let it go.

That’s it and that’s all.