Oh Baby!

So as you can tell by the title a lot has happened since I last hung around here…

This, my very own venting place that once meant so much to me. Now don’t get me wrong, the things I have written here are like a memory book that I can always look back on. Memories that I cherish. But I’ve been busy building a successful radio show, building relationships, solid friendships, building a life…and OH YEA I gave birth!

In six days my little cherub will be 4 months old. My little Lyric Matthew was born on October 19th 2015 weighing 7 lbs. 15 oz at 2:00 pm on the dot. In case you are wondering why it took me four months to write about the very most important thing I will ever do in life I’ll tell it to you straight. The reason can be described in one four letter word.

FEAR….

Before I explain what I mean let me back up. Around this time last year I was in a BRAND SPANKING NEW relationship with someone I barely knew. Someone who was going to be the father of my child. Now before you ask or before you judge I have three things to say to you.

1.) The father  has until now remained nameless in terms of my public career and will continue to stay that way unless anyone does some digging. If you do….whateves. But respect in this matter would be appreciated.

2.) Walk ten miles in my shoes before you judge.

3.) I had a fun time being pregnant and emotional while dealing with the backlash of  cruel internet trolls saying some of the harshest things I’ve ever heard in my life…so if you have something on the negative side to say do your worst. My skin is thicker than ever now.

Moving on…

As I said, around this time last year I found myself in a relationship that evolved way faster than I meant it to. He did nothing wrong. I just found out too late that he wasn’t the one for me. That happens in dating. You meet, you like, you figure it out. We were just irresponsible. This was something that ate at me for the first few months that I was pregnant. Do I stay just so that my baby can have a  conventional united family? Even though I have always had a love affair with the white picket fence dream I just couldn’t wrap my head around staying with someone for the sake of the baby. Simply because I knew what was ahead. Misery for all people involved. For me, for baby, and for baby daddy. So at around three months pregnant I left baby daddy. It was the scariest thing I have ever done. But in my mind the smartest. Today my son has a very peaceful life. A peace that I never experienced as a child.  And I feel it is  because I was strong enough to believe that I could be an amazing single mom while still still making baby daddy a part of my baby’s life.

Fast forward to nine months later I was inducing labor so that my mom could be at my side. My birth story is a whole other  mess that I will get into at another post….but I will share THIS with a lot of FEAR…

There’s that word again.

After pushing only about ten times my little boy entered this world. And be it the labor drugs, or my unconventional situation, or FEAR…

I felt nothing. Ok that’s not fair. I did feel some things. I felt tired. I felt unworthy of this incredible life that I made.The ONE THING I had always wanted in life was to be a mother and it was here…and I was numb.  I felt a sense of self loathing that I didn’t get that euphoric life changing moment  that they tell you makes pregnancy all worth it. My mother was crying at the sight of him and I felt numb. They handed him to me and I did immediately know that I would lay down my life for him, but I wasn’t overjoyed. I was afraid… FEAR…

There’s that word again.

The next few days in the hospital were a blur of nurses and paper work and exhaustion. Guilt and tears and uncertainty mixed with love and FEAR.

There’s that word again.

On the third day I was set to go home with my little cherub.  Oddly enough I wasn’t afraid I wasn’t going to be able to care for him like most people. I knew I would be able to keep him alive.  I was just afraid I wasn’t going to be able to love him. I know, what mother could ever say that about her newborn baby right?? Trust me, it kills me everyday when I look at his sweet little face. I have a big point to make thought so bare with me.

Little Lyric never decided he wanted to latch on to mommy’s boob and me being the determined/stubborn person that I am I decided to exclusivity pump. Otherwise known  as hell! However glad I am that my son got those amazing nutrients, I may or may not have thought twice about doing this. Seriously on the fence about this one. I loved providing for my son what only I could do. I loved giving him pure goodness that my body was designed for….but on the flip side that fucking pump sucked!!!!!!! Exclusive pumper moms ya feel me? More than it being inconvenient to be chained to an utter sucker every two hours I felt so guilty that I wasn’t spending time cuddling with my baby because I had to pump. Those late night hours that I  could have been snuggling him after he ate…nope. I  was having my breasts extracted. This was my was a big  regret among many  in the decision of being a single mom. If I had baby daddy around I would have had someone to take him during the day and play with him while I was pumping. Someone that if it wasn’t me should be there cuddling him.  There would have been a lot less painful clogged duct moments that’s for sure. Post partum set in with the quickness…I felt hopeless. I felt like a failure. I cried. A LOT! I felt like the life I knew was over and I would never be the same. I felt like a terrible mother…I felt FEAR.

There’s that word again…

So before this blog turns into a self pitying situation I want you single, married, whatever new moms out there to know something. Its ok to feel the roller coaster that is being a new mommy in whatever shape or form it hits you. I decided for my post partum to muscle through it without medication because I had my fair share of rounds with meds and I personally didn’t want to go that route. I don’t fair well with most of it. But talk to your doctor. Explore your options and decide what is best for you! YOU AND ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR THAT LITTLE LIFE YOU BIRTHED!

And I’m REALLY overjoyed to report that today…. I still have FEAR.

There’s that word again.

But although I’m still everyday afraid that I’m not going to be good enough for my sweet SWEET little Lyric Matthew … I know everything will be ok.  I LOVE AND ADORE MY LITTLE CHERUB!!  His big eyes, his chunky legs, his big ole head, his high pitched giggle, when he furrows his brow and gives the world’s greatest stank face! Today as tired as I am when hes screaming in the wee hours of the night…the feeling of me soothing him with one touch gets me though it. And to keep it real here sometimes its like really kid? All you wanted was that? Then I’m instantly flashing forward to when he’s a teenager and wants nothing to do with mommy  and I retract my previous statement. What i’m trying to say here about my first four months of motherhood is it aint all shits and giggles…but its worth it! Time to get some much needed sleep!

Hopefully I wont stay way so long next time peeps!! #singlemomlife