Waves…
Waves….
“I’m slowly drifting away (drifting away)
Wave after wave
Wave after wave
I’m slowly drifting (drifting away)
And it feels like I’m drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the stream
I wish I could make it easy
Easy to love me
Love me
But still I reach, to find a way
I’m stuck here in between
I’m looking for the right words to say”
“Waves” Mr Probz
I’m sitting here listening to this song on repeat. And although I came to love it in a time when all things in my life were seemingly carefree and coming into place, I now understand why my soul had a connection to it. It wasn’t its cool soft beat driven melody. It wasn’t its calming vibe.It was the lyrics that perfectly described the “Waves” of my life. At first hearing this song I was within the beautiful crest of a wave that had the hope of love woven within its waters.
I was free.
I was laughing and kissing and making love. Independent and thriving…The simple pleasures that make a simple yet complicated life were mine. I was swimming the waters of what I had always wanted. Or so I thought.
As I type this my computer keeps stalling. Giving me the loading sing as if to warn me.
Almost as an omen that I shouldn’t be writing this.
But why not though?
For fear of being criticized. For feeling? For being real?
With every word I type closer and closer to the “Wave” that is my life now. One that shouldn’t drown me the way it has.
I am blessed. I am successful. I am overwhelmed.
Mother, friend, mentor, role model.
Fearful. Scattered. Scared.
I am riding this wave without a sturdy footing on my emotional surfboard.
This latest wave has nearly knocked me clear off my feet. I was a ballerina in my younger years so I know how to balance on the most unsteady of surfaces, but how do you dance on a wave?
I have fire red hair-like Ariel but I am not made of mystical Disney fairytales. I’m a human. I’m no mermaid. King Triton will not make this right for me with a flick of his trident.
I know I will navigate this. But these rocky seas have me sickened with the thought of persevering through this. My poetry, be it ever vague is my truth.
I want to achieve like I’ve never achieved before. I want to inspire. I want to give back. I want to be a great mother. I want to be free. I want to fall in love. I want to hope that all of this can be mine.
This wave has me achieving a few of these things but only a few of the upmost importance.
I feel like no two waves of life are the same. You glide upon the beautiful ones and crash upon the destructive ones.
How is it that with OH SO MANY blessings poured into my ocean lately that I am so disheartened?
Why is every triumph met with some level of defeat beyond my control?
I am a wave that’s crashing upon the shore begging for relief.
I pray these storm waters succeed to calmer seas with the coming days.
Cheers to calmer waters.
